Here is a transcript of portions of my recent appearance on Top Joke Chef. Enjoy.

Presentation

(Exotic, gob-smacking beauty) Judge Patmy Hotschmee: What do you have for us tonight Whiskey?

(Contestant) Whiskey Leavins: Hello judges. The word I got was “Shart.” So, what I’ve prepared for you tonight is Shart Three Ways.

First we have, “You know who my favorite French philosopher is? . . . . Deshart!”

(Rakishly smug, intimidating smirker) Judge Tom Radicchio along with Hotschmee: HA!

Whiskey: Then we move on to “My favorite color is . . . sharttruce!”

(Painfully cool, acerbic smartass) Guest Judge Anthony Disdain: Oh for fuck’s sake . . .

Whiskey: And finally, “We’re gonna need bigger underwear.”

Entire Panel: [laughs mixed with confused looks]

Deliberation

Hotschmee: What do we think of Whiskey’s Shart Three Ways?

Radicchio: Overall it was hit and miss. I liked the first one – well conceived and delivered perfectly.

Hotschmee: I liked it too. It was risky combining highbrow and lowbrow elements into such a short punchline, but he pulled it off.

Disdain: I’ll give you the first one, but the second one? What the hell was that? I could write a better joke with my dick. I need a cigarette.

Radicchio: It’s just lazy joke writing. Sharttruce. No complexity. If you’re going to go that simple, it has to be perfect. This isn’t Top Punster, it’s Top Joke Chef.

Hotschmee: And the third one was funny but . . .

Disdain: Where was the Shart? And where are my cigarettes?

Radicchio: The Shart was implied. And the original line is about a shark . . . shark . . . shart? But that’s a big leap for your audience to make. It was a funny joke, but I’d have to say it didn’t meet the challenge.

Hotschmee: At least he didn’t give us more whiskey jokes. He tried to break out of his comfort zone this time.

Radicchio: Yeah, but you know what? I’m starting to get tired of the whole “three way” trick. What that means is, you couldn’t come up with one solid, cohesive idea.

Disdain: Only some asshole would give you Shart Three Ways. Seriously, where are my cigarettes?

Hotschmee: He would have been better off coming up with one solid narrative joke featuring an actual shart. But even if you were going to go with one-liners, he could have done so much better. Like . . .

Disdain: Off the top of my head, Hit me with your best shart. Or . . .

Hotschmee: Jumped the shart. Shart heard ’round the world. He got a great word but didn’t use it to its potential.

Radicchio: He had three hours and “Shart.” And that’s what he came up with? Disappointing.

Hotschmee: Is it enough to get him sent home?

Elimination

Radicchio: Whiskey, you gave us one good joke, one bad joke and a funny joke that didn’t fit the parameters of the challenge. We know you’re a talented Joke Chef, but we’re at the stage of the competition where one banana skin can send you home. Patmy?

Hotschmee: Whiskey, I’m sorry. Please pack it up, Chuckles, and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

© 2015 Whiskey Leavins